This is the story of Chucky the rooster
It’s a story that might shock
Its about his life, his loves, his hates
And how I turned him into stock.
We never asked for Chucky
He arrived one day for free
From a man who offered him as gift
Then turned on his heal to flee
Chucky started out quite lovely
A fine upstanding cock
His held head high, his feathers sleek
And a willie hard as rock
He set about his duties
With gusto and abandon
But pretty soon hens weren’t enough
he started shagging things at random
First it was the ducks
And then it was the drake
And I’m pretty sure he had a go
At kitty by mistake
Now Chucky was the rooster
He knew he was the boss
But that wasn’t enough for Chucky
And he started getting cross
His aggression levels building
He terrorized the cat
Then turned his eyes to human kind and though
“I’ll have a piece of that”
At first it was my father in law
Then it was my Dad
The rooster terrorised them both
And drove the oul lads mad
Then he just attacked at random
It soon became a farce
When you bent to weed the cabbages
You had to watch your arse
We couldn’t step outside the house
You simply didn’t dare
Then we though what happens if
He meets our wee girl when where’re not there
That thought was terrifying
Enough to make you cry
Chucky’s time had come at last
The rooster had to die
Killing something isn’t easy
A rooster might be the worst
Because before you get to killing
You must catch the fecker first.
I tried to chase down Chucky
To pin him to the ground
But while I could match his straight line speed
He could beat me turning round
Then I though I’d wait outside his coop
And grab him when he came out
But Chucky wasn’t stupid
He knew what I was about
He fixed me with one beady eye
Twitching in its socket
And when I made my move on him
He bolted like a rocket
Twice I tried the ambush
And twice he leapt and fled
This was going nowhere
I’d try something else instead
My standing as a “real man”
Was quickly running out
My wife was getting impatient
As the rooster was still about
She said “I want the rooster gone
before the end of day
I’m sick of playing watchdog
when the child goes out to play”
The game was really on now
No more messing round
Chucky had to meet his end
The cock was going down
I hatched a plan to get him drunk
Put whiskey in his meal
What a waste of whiskey
The bird was made of steal
Instead of getting sleepy
And going to his head
It went straight to his testicles
The bird was seeing red
He was a lousy lover
And his sex drive was excessive
And it turned out when he’d had a few
The bird got more aggressive.
By now I’d lost my patience
I was getting thick
I cursed and swore and dammed the bird
And went and got my stick
Chucky was a coward
That became quite clear
When faced with farmer wielding stick
His crest fell with the fear
Three times I chased him off the farm
Three times he did return
And on the third returning I cursed
“will the fecker never learn”
He must have been exhausted
I know I was nearly bet
But finally I caught him
With an Aldi fishing net
I grabbed him by the ankles
I lifted him on high
He flapped only a little
He knew he was going to die
If you want to kill a rooster
You must at first catch it
But when the chase is over
Just hit him with a hatchet
Chucky started flapping
His prognosis very poor
But I smashed his head against wall
Just to make dammed sure.
To kill a thing upsets me
though that might sound absurd
But killing Chucky was sheer relief
“Die Die Die you bastard bird”
An Air of quiet now pervades the farm
The air tastes sweet and free
The child can play without a care
Or fear of foul Chucky
The chickens regard me with new respect
The ducks are happy again
Now I’m the only rooster
My wife’s a happy hen.
Only one thing worries me
And that’s the bloody cat
I think he’s turned transvestite
I’m not sure how to handle that.
Chucky the rooster 2010 ~ 2010
